These have been the worst six months of my life.
Yes, you read that right.
First, let me clarify. This has nothing to do with Marshall. Yes, my son does happen to be six months old - but he is 100% my greatest blessing, and no reason why these have been the worst six months of my life.
I have been struggling internally for six, almost seven, months. Post-partum depression exists. It is real. I don't think I realized what has been wrong with me until this past week. Now folks, this isn't just the "baby blues", this is clinical and scary. Its all-consuming and gut-wrenching. It takes away all hope and happiness. It can also ruin marriages, which is what is happening to me. I am on the verge of a divorce and I honestly don't know what the future holds as of today. Now, my husband and I have other issues - but I believe PPD is what is tearing us apart, and will more than likely end us.
Sadly, I haven't been able to share these feelings with anyone. Not a soul. I hold them in and let them fester. I'm sure everyone thought everything was just fine. But behind closed doors, things are not fine.
According to Tom Cruise, exercise and vitamins cures all - and PPD doesn't exist. Well, guess what, Tom? It doesn't work. I've tried your suggestion. Intense exercise and a rabbit-type diet hasn't worked for me. Hell, it hasn't even helped me lose the weight I was hoping to lose. Honestly, nothing has worked. Example: for Christmas, I received from my husband several books. They are titled the following: "Love Life, and See Good Days", "Let Not Your Heart Be Troubled" and "Hope in Our Hearts". Have I read them? No. Should I read them? Probably.
Let me clarify another thing. This isn't a desperate attempt to cry out for help. I'm pretty damn good at managing myself, even when things are hard. I don't like to accept help from others. Example: this CONSTANTLY happens at work. "Peggy, I'm headed to 'quiznos/starbucks/jimmy johns/etc - can I bring you something?" My response every.single.time, "thanks, but no. I'm okay". See? I hate accepting anything that resembles help. It makes me feel weak.
I'm not going to go on and on, pitying myself on here - because let's face it. I have 8 hours a day sitting in an office by myself at work to dwell on what sucks in my life and to fret about what the future does or does not hold, or if I will still be married in a week/month/year. But my point is this, even when I have reached my breaking point - when all has seemed lost and there is no hope, Heavenly Father puts things in our path that help us. Even if we think we don't deserve any help from anyone.
This video gave me hope ... even if it was just a speck of it that lasted for just a moment.
"If you've got a faith - you can handle difficulties knowing , with an eternal perspective, that all will be well .... heartaches will come .... but to the individual that is weak in the heart, be patient with yourself. Perfection comes not in this life, but in the next life. Don't demand things that are unreasonable. But demand of yourself improvement, as you let the Lord help you. Through that, He will make the difference."
I can try to improve. I can try to heal. I can try to be happy. And if I rely on the Lord, he will make up what I can't do. That gives me hope.
4 comments:
Oh Peggy, what great love I have for you. I can't say that I have personally experienced the effects of PPD, but I do know it IS real. That depression exsists, as I have seen close family members suffer the horrible effects of it. I hope that you are able to cling to the small (and perhaps sometimes brief) moments of hope. I pray that God will allow your troubled heart to be healed over time, and that you will constantly feel the love he (and others-- me included) have for you. Sending my love, Love, LOVE and Hugs to you from Portland! Kati <3
Peggy, dear, I had no idea. I'm so sorry. PPD is real, I have several friends and relatives who have experienced it and it is heart breaking. I personally suffer from depression so I can sort of understand what you're going through. Lots of daily prayer and patience help me tremendously. Being a wife and mother and a working version of both is so difficult and really doesn't help that embalance that PPD brings. I will make sure to keep you and your family in my thoughts, prayers, and my heart everyday. You are so loved and cherished! Just know that we love you guys and we're here for you. I was so excited when I found out you guys would be in our ward and Marshall is such a sweet, sweet little guy. I hope everything takes a turn for the better. Sending Many good thoughts and hugs your way!
Peggy I'm so sorry you're going through PPD. I pray that you will be comforted and filled with hope. Hang in there, {hugs}.
Oh Peggy! My heart goes out to you--PPD is VERY REAL! I struggled with it after Greyden was born and (luckily) very slightly with this last one. I understand the feelings of complete hopelessness. I am glad you are finding tiny glimmers of hope--that video is so perfect. Just keep it on repeat. :) Those little tiny bits of hope will just keep growing. I have found in life when it feels like their is absolutely no hope, the only place I can find even a tiny amount of peace is in the gospel--knowing that all will be okay eventually even if it is not today. And recognizing that we are not perfect or even close and that is okay.
The transition to motherhood is unlike anything else. It completely rocks your world and turns everything upside down that you thought and believed. Then add on the hormones and depression and it is pretty overwhelming. At least that is what happened to me. :) Hang in there and know that you are not alone in this!!!
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