Because that last post wasn't so happy

Here are some photos that are!

Men's Hearts Shall Fail Them

I've been thinking about writing this for a while now. I'm not sure this is appropriate, but I can't seem to think of another way to get these thoughts out.

These have been the worst six months of my life.

Yes, you read that right.

First, let me clarify. This has nothing to do with Marshall. Yes, my son does happen to be six months old - but he is 100% my greatest blessing, and no reason why these have been the worst six months of my life.

I have been struggling internally for six, almost seven, months. Post-partum depression exists. It is real. I don't think I realized what has been wrong with me until this past week. Now folks, this isn't just the "baby blues", this is clinical and scary. Its all-consuming and gut-wrenching. It takes away all hope and happiness. It can also ruin marriages, which is what is happening to me. I am on the verge of a divorce and I honestly don't know what the future holds as of today. Now, my husband and I have other issues - but I believe PPD is what is tearing us apart, and will more than likely end us.

Sadly, I haven't been able to share these feelings with anyone. Not a soul. I hold them in and let them fester. I'm sure everyone thought everything was just fine. But behind closed doors, things are not fine.

According to Tom Cruise, exercise and vitamins cures all - and PPD doesn't exist. Well, guess what, Tom? It doesn't work. I've tried your suggestion. Intense exercise and a rabbit-type diet hasn't worked for me. Hell, it hasn't even helped me lose the weight I was hoping to lose. Honestly, nothing has worked. Example: for Christmas, I received from my husband several books. They are titled the following: "Love Life, and See Good Days", "Let Not Your Heart Be Troubled" and "Hope in Our Hearts". Have I read them? No. Should I read them? Probably.

Let me clarify another thing. This isn't a desperate attempt to cry out for help. I'm pretty damn good at managing myself, even when things are hard. I don't like to accept help from others. Example: this CONSTANTLY happens at work. "Peggy, I'm headed to 'quiznos/starbucks/jimmy johns/etc - can I bring you something?" My response every.single.time, "thanks, but no. I'm okay". See? I hate accepting anything that resembles help. It makes me feel weak.

I'm not going to go on and on, pitying myself on here - because let's face it. I have 8 hours a day sitting in an office by myself at work to dwell on what sucks in my life and to fret about what the future does or does not hold, or if I will still be married in a week/month/year. But my point is this, even when I have reached my breaking point - when all has seemed lost and there is no hope, Heavenly Father puts things in our path that help us. Even if we think we don't deserve any help from anyone.

This video gave me hope ... even if it was just a speck of it that lasted for just a moment.

"If you've got a faith - you can handle difficulties knowing , with an eternal perspective, that all will be well .... heartaches will come .... but to the individual that is weak in the heart, be patient with yourself. Perfection comes not in this life, but in the next life. Don't demand things that are unreasonable. But demand of yourself improvement, as you let the Lord help you. Through that, He will make the difference."

I can try to improve. I can try to heal. I can try to be happy. And if I rely on the Lord, he will make up what I can't do. That gives me hope.

Christmas Recap

We spent 4 days in Washington with my family for Christmas. It was a whirlwind, but we definitely enjoyed ourselves! Although, lesson learned - no more 10pm flights, the little guy's schedule is WAY off...still.

Krispy Kreme for breakfast.

Yum, sugar!

Lots of Grandma and Grandpa time (although, sadly my dad was REALLY sick Christmas Day and its basically circulated through my family since then)

Marshall's first time in the hot tub (don't worry - we turned it down to 90 degrees so it was like warm bath water). He enjoyed the "pool" several times over the weekend.

Sleeping!

Lots of wrapping paper for baby enjoyment!

Lots of snuggles.

And lots of time enjoying Marshall's first Christmas.

It was a rather chaotic Christmas - my sister in-law had knee replacement surgery 3 days before Christmas, and ended back in the ER Christmas morning with an infection - and got checked back into the hospital for 3 days. My dad had a terrible stomach bug Christmas Day and ended up in bed all day, my mom got sick Christmas night ... and after we left my sister, brother and niece all ended up with the same bug! It was very similar to the bug we had a week and a half ago .... sure hope we didn't spread the germs! I was still very happy to spend time with family, and was happy to see some extended family that we don't see often.

Hope you all enjoyed your Christmas!! I'm ready for the New Year!

December Thus Far

A lot has happened in December, and I'll need to do a more comprehensive post - but for now, I'm just posting one photo. Not a great photo (as usual) but here is our annual holiday photo (taken at my company holiday party on December 9th). Previous years photos here and here.

Also, our three year wedding anniversary was yesterday. We didn't really celebrate, but it was yesterday nonetheless. We went for a nice dinner as a family of three at Macaroni Grill. We had plans to go to Pappadeux's (spelling??) instead but with the snow coming down hard, we decided it was best to stay close to home. Maybe next year we will actually do something.

Well, we are busy preparing for Christmas and our trip to be with my family in WA for the weekend. We are super excited (and busy!) - so until after our trip.....

Merry Christmas!!!

I Have A 5 Month Old

So I know I set a goal a while back to do 100 posts in the next year ... and thus far I am failing miserably. To reach that goal, I would have had to do about two posts a week, when I am still averaging about one post a month! I still would like to reach this goal - so I guess I better start blogging more! 3-4 posts PER WEEK would be ideal, but lets not get our hopes up. :)

Folks, this is crazy .... I have a 5 month old child. He truly is more of a child and less of a baby these days (or at least to me). He eats food now (not just formula). He LOVES his peas and carrots and sweet potatoes. He bounces in his jumperoo like a kid on crack. He adores that toy- see proof in video below. He sleeps on his belly every night, and I've come to accept it. He scooches all over the place on his back - and I keep checking for bald spots on the back of his head because of this. He doesn't fight sleep as often anymore - and bedtime has become quite lovely, in fact. Getting up in the middle of the night is not quite the norm anymore, and surely staying up an hour in the middle of the night is very rare these days. He loves being read to, but really - he loves to reach out and touch the pages of the book (cardboard pages have become a necessity). If we are eating dinner at the table (or restaurant) - Marshall prefers to be in on the action too. He wants to sit on my lap during meals so he can be there. He likes to pull plates and drinks toward him. His "really cool toys" from the early days like playmats and regular bouncers don't get used as much anymore. He can sit up in the corner of the couch by himself for quite some time. One of these days he'll advance to no support while sitting - hopefully by Christmas. His teeth are coming in - and I fully expect to just see them arrive one day out of the blue. He is in a very cuddly phase right now - and I love it. He still prefers Mom for sleepy/cuddle time and Dad for play/giggle time. He is my sweet, sensitive boy and we can see his personality emerge more and more everyday - and I love it!

Will captured this photo. Marshall has always been the most finicky sleeper. He must be cuddled to fall asleep most of the time (unless in the car) - but in the middle of his jumping craziness it went silent. Shocking!! He actually fell asleep on his own!! We have reached a new phase, folks.

Both M and I have been sick this past week, and the next few photos show that. This first one is particularly sad. Don't mind the sicky, drooly grossness on his chin. Poor kiddo.

Post-bath. This is one happy kid. We've been using the "soothing bath" with the menthol smell. Its wonderful for sick babies. :)

Sick mom and baby at Olive Garden for lunch. Nothing like soup and breadsticks when you feel crummy!

He wasn't so sure about the no hands thing.

This video was taken Thanksgiving day...

I noticed today that this blog used to consist entirely of photos of Will and myself. We no longer take photos of just the two of us anymore. We rarely take photos together at all anymore. Another goal - get more photos of the husband and wife - not just baby. Probably should get more photos of daddy with baby too, and not just mommy with baby - haha. I also pretty much suck at taking photos of events now, too. Another goal - take more photos during events of people other than just Marshall. We got a total of two pictures on Thanksgiving. One which was just the food - and the other of just the women who made the food. Haha.

Let me tell you, just three words - crock pot stuffing. Yum-O.

I will forever make stuffing in a crock pot only.

From left to right - my sister Janelle, sister in-law Shannon and mother in-law Sheryl, then me. The boys didn't get a photo. Sorry boys! :)

Thanksgiving this year was pretty awesome. Low-key and delicious. Will and I even got to take a nap! With Marshall's sleep schedule, and the fact that he doesn't usually nap longer than 30-45 min. we never nap. Will's mom and sister watched Marshall for us while we napped after our huge dinner and it was heavenly!

The next morning, my sister Janelle and I did the Black Friday thing. Well, at midnight and 5 am we did the Black Friday thing. Kohl's at midnight (for a new crock pot) and Home Depot at 5am (for a new pre-lit tree). Yes, I got one the the last ones! Black Friday while having a baby under 1 is difficult. Marshall didn't go with me, but just knowing that I couldn't sleep all day after shopping all night was the tough part. Thankfully, we were not out all night and luckily its only one day a year.

I love Thanksgiving - but I love when Thanksgiving is over, because I can then officially start celebrating Christmas (because I technically start before Thanksgiving, but it is finally acceptable the following day!). I will do a better job of documenting Christmas than I did of Thanksgiving. Well, at least I'll try. :)

Lately

We have been super busy lately! My sisters Demi and Janelle came to visit a couple weekends ago. Will has had a couple Saturdays in a row off work (which is rare) - we celebrated Halloween and the usual work stuff. October came and went like it wasn't even here! We are enjoying watching Marshall learn and grow daily. We took him in for his 4 month appointment this past Friday and learned he is 15 lbs 1 oz and 26" long. Man do we love this boy! He is rolling over constantly - you can't keep this kid on his back! He even sleeps on his tummy most of the time now. He loves books and reaching and grabbing things. We've had a few close calls with our drinks because he likes to pull them toward him. He is so smart! We have also been instructed to feed him solid rice cereal daily now - so that is fun! No real solid baby food until 6 months though, but that is right around the corner. We are looking forward to the holiday season as a family of three. :)

Motherhood

I love this little boy so much. I am so grateful that he was sent to me and Will, and that we get to be his parents. In his (almost) four short months on this earth, he has taught me so much and I am learning what a sweet, unique spirit he has. By getting to be Marshall's mom, I personally have grown in love, patience, kindness, humility and probably many other things. I would do anything for this child - and I finally understand more about God's love for his children. Marshall's pain is my pain - and I would do anything to make him happy (and currently I often do ridiculous things to get him to laugh). It both breaks my heart and makes me incredibly happy to see him change daily and learn new things. He is getting so big - and its exciting(!) but sad because time is going way too fast. He's turning into a little boy, and its hard to see him as a little baby anymore. He is so mobile now, and I know he'll be crawling early. It hurts my heart that he is teething and has such pain sometimes - but overall, he is such a sweet, happy, content baby. He smiles constantly and is so happy just to lay on the floor and kick his legs and "talk" away. I worry a lot if I am doing enough for him - like "Am I reading him enough books? Should I be playing him classical music? Does he get enough tummy time? Should he be sleeping more or less? Why is he rolling over in his crib? Is he breathing?" Its a constant worry - but I am relieved to know that he is overall a very happy and healthy baby. Marshall has a very sensitive personality, and I am learning to cater to his sensitive needs. He is very aware of tension and anger and general discontent in the room and people around him. He startles easily and he gets scared and cries during loud noises (like cheering crowds). He needs to be swaddled and cuddled in order to fall sleep. If he is just mostly asleep and you put him down in his crib - he will wake all the way up until you rock him all the way back to sleep THEN lay him down (when six months rolls around, we are going to try to break this habit - but for now, I love it). Marshall LOVES bath time and looking at himself in the mirror. If he is ever upset, holding him while looking in the mirror will inspire an immediate smile and an adorable head-bury into your chest, then he'll peek out at the mirror and smile again. Marshall is a very sweet, sensitive child with very specific needs - and I am learning more about him everyday, and this brings me great joy.

Not every moment is pure bliss - sometimes its just plain hard. I would prefer not to work away from the home 40 hours a week and I look forward to when I will stay home with my children (or maybe just work part-time), but ultimately I'm very grateful for my position in life and for the time I do have with my son. I appreciate the words of the Prophet and Apostles of the Church and specifically for Elder Holland's talk on Motherhood - and the way it reassures my ever-worried mind.

"I know deep down inside that I am doing God's work. I know that my motherhood is an eternal partnership with Him .... There is nothing more important in this world than participating so directly in the work and glory of God."

I am so grateful for eternal families. I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who was kind enough to send Will and me one of his children. I am eternally grateful for the gift of motherhood and the opportunities it has afforded me to learn and grow. I hope to savor each and every moment I have with my little baby boy, until he is too big to want to be cuddled or rocked to sleep. I am grateful for Marshall and the joy he brings me.