Attack of the Marshall

A couple videos from the weekend .... for your viewing pleasure.

Note: no kitties were harmed in the filming of these videos.

Also, don't mind my raspy voice. I was just getting it back at this point.

Marshall loves Abby. He is obsessed with her recently. Luckily, she likes him too.

Valentine's Weekend Recap

What what?! Two posts in ONE day?! That's right - I've learned to blog on my phone y'all. :)

Since Valentine's Day was on a Tuesday this year, we chose to celebrate the weekend after, as opposed to the weekend before like the majority of folks. Also, another milestone - we decided to leave Marshall overnight for the FIRST time!!

Friday evening started with dropping M at Will's parents for his first overnighter (tear). It was hard to leave him, but overall he did well. We then headed to our first couple's massage at a spa downtown. It was glorious, minus the fact that I had a cold and had to ask for a tissue in the middle of my rub down, but that's okay ... it was still WONDERFUL. :)

Next on the agenda .... Pappadeux's for dinner. Yummy cajun seafood - but we did not realize our reservations were booked for Mardi Gras weekend. Can you say, BUSY? New Orleans themed restaurant on Mardi Gras weekend. Oye. It was still very good though! Unfortunately, I was pretty much full after the appetizer (darn you illness!) and I felt very overwhelmed by my "seafood platter". Still, it was fried cajun goodness, which is what I'd been wanting and I enjoyed every bite - even if I couldn't eat the majority of it.

Next up - hotel! We hadn't stayed at a hotel for a LONG time. Its been well over a year and a half since our last hotel stay, and this was our first hotel stay in the Denver area. We chose the Sheraton in DTC because of its proximity to Pappadeux's. We figured we needed to stay at a hotel, otherwise we would be too tempted to just go pick up Marshall since he was staying only a mile from our house. It was nice to sleep in, even if I had a hard time sleeping past 7am (again, my cold didn't help) - but those hotel blackout shades were awesome for keeping out that morning light!! And a king size bed was definitely nice. I need to get me one of those!

The next morning, we were going to go to breakfast then pick up Marshall - but we couldn't wait to see our little guy, so we picked up Marshall then went to breakfast as a family! Will had the entire weekend off, so we spent Saturday running a few errands, going on a family walk and watching Star Wars and lounging around (I was sick, remember?). I should mention that by Saturday morning, I had lost my voice entirely from the cold - I had to point to the menu at Village Inn to show the server what I wanted, because he couldn't even hear me whisper. By Sunday morning, I was completely done for. We stayed home from church on Sunday - then felt too cooped up so we went walking around the mall (yes, on Sunday - whoops!).

Will went back to work on Monday, and I had president's day off - so I got to hang out with Marshall for another day (I had taken Friday off as well). Four day weekends are awesome! I love hanging out with my little family. Its very rare that Will gets Saturday and Sunday off from work, so it was lovely having him with us most of the weekend (and myself getting some extra time off on top of it all!). Yes, it was a lovely weekend indeed.

Breakfast at Village Inn

(my first time @ Village Inn):

I love my husband. I love my son. I love my life. I am grateful for my many many blessings.

Happy (belated) Valentine's Day! <3 <3

The Boys will Play

This is what happens when daddy is home with the monster in the morning while mom is at work.

Sleep Training

So I'm finding that I have more free time lately.

Will and I decided to start officially sleep training Marshall on Monday (3 nights ago). I've been feeling really guilty about his terrible sleep habits for a while now, and it seemed like the natural next step. His sleep habits were really not that awful, except that he wouldn't nap easily and I from day one I have always held him until he falls asleep at night. This wasn't a problem, as I LOVE holding him to go to sleep, and I love holding him during his naps - but holding him for every nap on the weekends was becoming a problem (took up a lot of time) .... and the fact that he has been waking every night for 1.5-2 hours in the wee morning hours has been a problem, because he doesn't know how to go back to sleep on his own. He's been teething (his fourth tooth is just now popping through) and everything combined has been making me feel guilty that I am stunting his development by making him rely on me so much for sleep.

We are also concerned, because of the prospect of another child down the road (like, really far down the road) is concerning. I don't want to end up with a toddler who needs rocked to sleep, and therefore doesn't have a regular sleep schedule because the newborn makes it difficult for the toddler to be rocked to sleep all the time (I know a lot of parents in this exact situation). I know the longer I wait to get Marshall to learn to sleep on his own, the harder it will be (and the more painful for both of us).

Well, all this contemplating and guilt has added up to be for nothing.

Night #1: Marshall babbled in his crib for 10 minutes, and fell asleep.

Night #2: After putting M in his crib, he cried for 5-10 seconds as soon as I shut the door, then I never heard another peep. I went in 10 minutes later to see that he was already passed out.

Night #3: M goes into his crib. I shut the door and leave to go fill his humidifier, and I come back (like 1 minute later) to see him fast asleep.

I should also mention that he has slept through the night for the past 3 nights. I really hope this isn't a fluke.

This is where I come into play. Marshall has been asleep at 7pm the last 3 nights. I put him down, and think .... 'well, what now?'. I am not one to clean at night (besides picking up the living room/kitchen - easy). I do all my cleaning on the weekends. I workout during lunch (I can't workout at night because I'll never fall asleep). Will and I watch a lot of tv, and now I'm getting bored with tv. I guess its time for me to pick up sewing and knitting again!

This new phase of an older baby is definitely bittersweet. I'm happy Marshall is sleeping so well on his own and hasn't even had to cry-it-out yet, but I'm sad I'm having to give up my evening ritual of holding my child until he falls asleep.

Is this how parenthood is? As they get older, you realize they don't need you as much as you want them to. Very bittersweet.

Update

I figure its time for an update.

Thank you to all for your kind words, thoughts, phone calls and messages. It really was a trying time when I wrote that blog post about my PPD. Since then, I have taken matters into my own hands and sought professional help. Counseling and (slight) medication combined really do work wonders! I seriously feel SO much better. My heart is healing, and my marriage is healing.

Marriage really is one of those tricky things where you (or maybe just I) just expect it to work. I just expected it to be easy all the time. If it wasn't easy, I thought something was wrong. Marriage is hard, but its beginning to be worth it again. For a while there, I just didn't think it was worth it - but I can see the light again! I really do love my husband and am grateful for him. I'm grateful that he is such a wonderful father. I admire him for his willingness to take care of Marshall as much as he does, and for being such an equal when doing things around the house. I would not be able to work full-time if it weren't for such a supportive, helpful husband.

The last few weeks Will and I have been working on going on more dates, just the two of us. The first seven months of being parents did not include much time devoted to being a couple - as we spent most of our time adjusting to being parents. Most of the "dating" we did was spent in front of the TV after Marshall went down for bed. This has been hard on us, considering we used to go on a date every weekend before Marshall was born. We would go out and see every movie and eat out way too often. We have a new resolution of a date night every two weeks now. Our first recent date (a few weeks back) involved sushi (which I had been craving since I was pregnant, and just got it for the first time since), Coldstone, and shopping for new boots! Last Saturday we were able to go to see The Grey (crazy movie!) and eat a local Mexican restaurant that I had a groupon for. It was a spectacular evening! I really do love dating my husband - and I look forward to continuing to do so.

I really am grateful for such amazing family and friends. Thank you again for all of your support during a very difficult time. I love you all!

Because that last post wasn't so happy

Here are some photos that are!

Men's Hearts Shall Fail Them

I've been thinking about writing this for a while now. I'm not sure this is appropriate, but I can't seem to think of another way to get these thoughts out.

These have been the worst six months of my life.

Yes, you read that right.

First, let me clarify. This has nothing to do with Marshall. Yes, my son does happen to be six months old - but he is 100% my greatest blessing, and no reason why these have been the worst six months of my life.

I have been struggling internally for six, almost seven, months. Post-partum depression exists. It is real. I don't think I realized what has been wrong with me until this past week. Now folks, this isn't just the "baby blues", this is clinical and scary. Its all-consuming and gut-wrenching. It takes away all hope and happiness. It can also ruin marriages, which is what is happening to me. I am on the verge of a divorce and I honestly don't know what the future holds as of today. Now, my husband and I have other issues - but I believe PPD is what is tearing us apart, and will more than likely end us.

Sadly, I haven't been able to share these feelings with anyone. Not a soul. I hold them in and let them fester. I'm sure everyone thought everything was just fine. But behind closed doors, things are not fine.

According to Tom Cruise, exercise and vitamins cures all - and PPD doesn't exist. Well, guess what, Tom? It doesn't work. I've tried your suggestion. Intense exercise and a rabbit-type diet hasn't worked for me. Hell, it hasn't even helped me lose the weight I was hoping to lose. Honestly, nothing has worked. Example: for Christmas, I received from my husband several books. They are titled the following: "Love Life, and See Good Days", "Let Not Your Heart Be Troubled" and "Hope in Our Hearts". Have I read them? No. Should I read them? Probably.

Let me clarify another thing. This isn't a desperate attempt to cry out for help. I'm pretty damn good at managing myself, even when things are hard. I don't like to accept help from others. Example: this CONSTANTLY happens at work. "Peggy, I'm headed to 'quiznos/starbucks/jimmy johns/etc - can I bring you something?" My response every.single.time, "thanks, but no. I'm okay". See? I hate accepting anything that resembles help. It makes me feel weak.

I'm not going to go on and on, pitying myself on here - because let's face it. I have 8 hours a day sitting in an office by myself at work to dwell on what sucks in my life and to fret about what the future does or does not hold, or if I will still be married in a week/month/year. But my point is this, even when I have reached my breaking point - when all has seemed lost and there is no hope, Heavenly Father puts things in our path that help us. Even if we think we don't deserve any help from anyone.

This video gave me hope ... even if it was just a speck of it that lasted for just a moment.

"If you've got a faith - you can handle difficulties knowing , with an eternal perspective, that all will be well .... heartaches will come .... but to the individual that is weak in the heart, be patient with yourself. Perfection comes not in this life, but in the next life. Don't demand things that are unreasonable. But demand of yourself improvement, as you let the Lord help you. Through that, He will make the difference."

I can try to improve. I can try to heal. I can try to be happy. And if I rely on the Lord, he will make up what I can't do. That gives me hope.