Because that last post wasn't so happy

Here are some photos that are!

Men's Hearts Shall Fail Them

I've been thinking about writing this for a while now. I'm not sure this is appropriate, but I can't seem to think of another way to get these thoughts out.

These have been the worst six months of my life.

Yes, you read that right.

First, let me clarify. This has nothing to do with Marshall. Yes, my son does happen to be six months old - but he is 100% my greatest blessing, and no reason why these have been the worst six months of my life.

I have been struggling internally for six, almost seven, months. Post-partum depression exists. It is real. I don't think I realized what has been wrong with me until this past week. Now folks, this isn't just the "baby blues", this is clinical and scary. Its all-consuming and gut-wrenching. It takes away all hope and happiness. It can also ruin marriages, which is what is happening to me. I am on the verge of a divorce and I honestly don't know what the future holds as of today. Now, my husband and I have other issues - but I believe PPD is what is tearing us apart, and will more than likely end us.

Sadly, I haven't been able to share these feelings with anyone. Not a soul. I hold them in and let them fester. I'm sure everyone thought everything was just fine. But behind closed doors, things are not fine.

According to Tom Cruise, exercise and vitamins cures all - and PPD doesn't exist. Well, guess what, Tom? It doesn't work. I've tried your suggestion. Intense exercise and a rabbit-type diet hasn't worked for me. Hell, it hasn't even helped me lose the weight I was hoping to lose. Honestly, nothing has worked. Example: for Christmas, I received from my husband several books. They are titled the following: "Love Life, and See Good Days", "Let Not Your Heart Be Troubled" and "Hope in Our Hearts". Have I read them? No. Should I read them? Probably.

Let me clarify another thing. This isn't a desperate attempt to cry out for help. I'm pretty damn good at managing myself, even when things are hard. I don't like to accept help from others. Example: this CONSTANTLY happens at work. "Peggy, I'm headed to 'quiznos/starbucks/jimmy johns/etc - can I bring you something?" My response every.single.time, "thanks, but no. I'm okay". See? I hate accepting anything that resembles help. It makes me feel weak.

I'm not going to go on and on, pitying myself on here - because let's face it. I have 8 hours a day sitting in an office by myself at work to dwell on what sucks in my life and to fret about what the future does or does not hold, or if I will still be married in a week/month/year. But my point is this, even when I have reached my breaking point - when all has seemed lost and there is no hope, Heavenly Father puts things in our path that help us. Even if we think we don't deserve any help from anyone.

This video gave me hope ... even if it was just a speck of it that lasted for just a moment.

"If you've got a faith - you can handle difficulties knowing , with an eternal perspective, that all will be well .... heartaches will come .... but to the individual that is weak in the heart, be patient with yourself. Perfection comes not in this life, but in the next life. Don't demand things that are unreasonable. But demand of yourself improvement, as you let the Lord help you. Through that, He will make the difference."

I can try to improve. I can try to heal. I can try to be happy. And if I rely on the Lord, he will make up what I can't do. That gives me hope.